Staying connected, even when things get busy - continued...

The ice storm that sailed into town on Tuesday brought EmDee an unexpected day off on Wednesday. Just so happened I had a vacation day scheduled on Wednesday to be all productive and such. The holiday productivity I had planned went to the wayside, and instead we had a nice, quiet day together at home - just the two of us! This is the second such day in as many months, and at the end of it, we decided we might just have to start scheduling them! I'm already looking forward to our day together in January...

As I promised yesterday, Deb is bringing us her top ten list for staying connected. Deb and her husband are the parents to twins, and Deb's husband travels on a regular basis. As someone who traveled extensively before Sweetpea was born, I can relate to the extra measures needed to stay close with all that time away!

When Steph asked me to contribute to her blog post about staying connected with your spouse through the busy holidays, I thought that would be so easy, because J and I have been doing that as a normal part of our lives—for years! Our relationship started when we lived 200 miles apart—him in the DC area, and me in New York. We had to stay connected to make it work. Now, after we got married and live together, busy travel and family schedules have us continuing to stay tight in many of the same ways. Here’s my list of ways to keep tight with your spouse.

1. If one of you is traveling, have a good conversation on the phone at least once a day. Catch up with your day. Tell work stories. Get to know the people in your spouse’s life.

2. Have a “good morning conversation”, and a “good night conversation”, whether you are together or not.

3. We’ve been lucky enough over the years to have access to mobile email. Keep in touch with emails or texting throughout the day… even if it’s just an “I love you”.

4. You can even email or text your spouse photos of you or your kids. That brings smiles, and keeps the spirit of sharing.

5. Try to have a date night once a week. Date night doesn’t have to mean paying a babysitter to go out to an expensive restaurant. During the winter, and especially during the holiday season, one of our favorite date nights is a glass of wine in front of the fire reviewing our day or just appreciating our lit tree.

6. If your spouse feels distant from you, take a few minutes to figure it out. Usually it’s stress. You may be able to just give him or her a 10-minute back rub to make things lighter—and tighter—between you.

7. Play a game together. We like to play Scrabble. It’s better than distracting, absorbing TV because you get into conversations.

8. Create family photobooks. I make mine on my Mac, but there are several other services that give you the ability to make them. There’s inkubook.com; kodakgallery.com; snapfish.com; and heritagemakers.com, just to name a few. We look through our photobooks together often, and reminisce about our family times.

9. During your “good night” conversations, make sure they aren’t just an overview of how your day went, but also make them intimate. Keep the magic of your marriage alive.

10. This one is very important—flirt with your spouse. So important to remember and to remind your spouse that you love each other, you’re attracted to each other, and that you are fun and flirty.

Keeping romance alive - Staying connected even when things get busy

Things have been so hectic at the problem solvin home lately that I've felt the need to review my bag of tricks for staying connected with hubs. There are so many things that have to be done, that if we don't make the effort, it's easy to let that husband and wife relationship get put on the back burner. With EmDee going on shift work recently, things have gotten even more complicated in our house.

We have some tried and true habits that work well, but I've been wondering what works for other busy families - so of course I hit up some of my blogging friends to see what works for them!

Here are the common themes that came out of Steph, Megan, Deb, Octamom and my staying connected handbooks:

• make couple time with your spouse a priory: whether this is in the form of date night or just some quiet time sans kids, it's important to connect regularly.

• know what is going on in each other's lives: whether it's through email, text messages or regular chats, know what's important to each other and discuss the day to day details of each others lives.

• keep romance in the everyday: love notes, something funny you know your spouse will enjoy, gestures that show how much you care.

Megan came up with a list especially for the Christmas season that I absolutely love -

• Get the sitter to arrive 90 minutes early and go out together for a light dinner or coffee before that big holiday party.
• Put the kids to bed a little early, set up a little floor picnic by the tree (or light some candles), pop Handel's Messiah on the iPod or CD player and soak up the mood and music together.
• Share a beverage in the glow of the Christmas tree every night the month of December.
• One word: Mistletoe!

Octamom has quite a bit of experience in this arena, what with eight kids and 19 years of marriage. And then there's the fact that she can make toilet paper sound elegant...here is what she has to say:

The combined forces of careers, chaos, and kids can tarnish many a couple's connection. We certainly have had our share of conspired craziness keeping us at a running pace in opposite directions. Keeping our couple-hood healthy and happy takes regular care and feeding. For us, there are a few areas that make a lot of difference.

1. Regular Date Nights: We make a concerted effort to go out each week. Sometimes, that means a 30 minute cup of coffee after the smallest kids are in bed. Other times, it means a nice dinner, but regardless of the setting, it's about a time set aside to leave the house and Octamom population and sit enjoying some conversation. And it doesn't mean going out with another couple--it specifically means time for just the two of us.

2. Regular Laughter: M's career is consuming and demanding and stressful--and then he comes home to the nine of us. Real relaxing, don't you think? He often leaves very early in the morning and doesn't get home until long past dark. But when he hits the door, we do spend a fair amount of time cutting up and laughing and wrestling kids. We tell each other the funny things we encountered during the day and often forward each other hilarious sites we find on the web. Laughter has always been one of our love languages.

3. Regular Worship: No, I'm not talking just about church attendance. What I am talking about is the frequent conversations and experiences M and I share in our faith. In the busyness of life, in the car pools and soccer tournaments and business travel and demands of our special need kids and employee issues, it is vital that we are on the same page, that we share a purpose and a vision. The frenetic facets of our lives can often cloud our ultimate mission. We make it a priority to be feeding our souls and to share with each other the insight that comes from that time.

4. Regular Workouts: I'm being very serious here. Yep, even with the eight kids and the homeschooling and the photography and all. M and I are devoted to each other, love each other and are deeply committed to the principal of marriage, and M has loved me through many pregnancies and the resulting physical aftermath. But let's face it, marriage is not just about friendship. While I can't claim to be in peak physical condition, I do make an effort to clean-up my act from time to time. I may be a mom of eight, but I'm gonna give it a shot at being a hot mom of eight (though I'm a little vague on what that template might actually be...) And I appreciate that M also takes care of himself. It's comforting to be very comfortable around each other regardless of wardrobe, but in taking care of myself, I'm also telling M how much I care about him.

5. Regular Forgiveness: Do your marriage connection a favor; get in the habit of getting over relationship trivia quickly. Obviously, couples do face big issues that take time and counsel. But I'm talking about the little stuff, the small irritations that I've seen send marriages into the ditch. While we have seen marriages blow up over things that were very serious, we've seen more marriages disintegrate over white noise that has been allowed to grow into a roar. I have my little (and bigger) things that could make M crazy, and he has a couple of things that could render me a shrew. But in the bigger picture, these issues do not warrant the emotional energy we could give them.

Let's face it, nobody has their act completely together in the marriage game. We certainly have had our times of being completely off page, a unit that is supposed to be a unified team and instead is hunkered down in opposite bunkers, throwing salvos over a field of neglect and lack of appreciation. We've faced our share of difficult times, made all the more complicated by the force of both of our big personalities. But keeping an eye on the ball is what it's all about. And that ball for us is not just keeping a marriage together, but in enjoying it, crafting it, creating a legacy and a template for our children and their children and their children. And for that, you've just got to keep on taking a swing at that ball.

Most of all, I loved how in chatting with each one of these fabulous ladies, I can just hear the love and commitment they have for their relationships. We each recognize how lucky we are and are actively engaging our spouses. I hope you'll stop back tomorrow for Deb's great top ten list of suggestions for staying connected.

As a teaser, I have a great book review and giveaway coming up in the new year from one of RedBook magazine's love doctors!

What are your strategies for staying connected? I'd love to hear them!

For our anniversary, a MeMe...or would that be a WeWe?

8 Things about Mr. & Mrs. PSMom

1. We met at work, when I was a co-op student.

2. We knew each other as friends for a few years before we went on a date.

3. Our first date was to the movie City of Angels. Great movie. Terribly awkward on a first date.

4. We got engaged the day I moved seven hours away to take my first job after graduating.

5. We had our wedding reception at the same place as my parent's reception nearly thirty years before.

6. We both love to travel and have taken several fun frugal vacations together.

7. We are both adventurous eaters. We have tried ox tail soup, sushi, conch, poi, and dinner at Bomba Shack on various vacations.

8. We love a good date night to reconnect, but are happiest spending time with family.

Happy Anniversary, EmDee!

Ask the problem solving mom - Romance

One of the things I would like to do on this blog is bring up questions my friends have posed to me along with my comments. I would love it if you would add your feedback and suggestions as well! Here goes with the first question...from one of my coworkers:

Q: My wife is (always) complaining lately that I'm not as romantic as I used to be. We both work full time, and our lives are hectic between work and taking care of our house and baby daughter. I am thinking of planning something big for our upcoming 5th wedding anniversary in order to make her happy and bring back the romance she's missing in her life lately. I can arrange babysitting for our daughter, but we don't really have the money for an extended romantic vacation (such as a second honeymoon). What else would you suggest that might do the trick?

A: It's so easy with little ones at home to get caught up in the daily role of Mommy and Daddy and overlook the loving bond you have as Husband and Wife. I can understand your desire to plan something big for your anniversary, and I'm sure your wife would love that! Chances are, though, that she will still feel the desire for more regular romance in her life. Here are some things that could add more romance to your daily lives:

• Bring back dating - this can be as elaborate or as simple as you want, as time allows. Before we had Sweetpea, date nights with my husband were usually a weekly event and generally included dinner at a restaurant or a picnic at a nearby park. Now it's more challenging to schedule time alone, so instead we have drinks in the living room after Sweetpea is in bed or a popsicle on the porch swing during nap time. The most important thing is that we plan for it and consciously schedule time for ourselves as a couple.
• Slip a note into her purse or lunch bag, or send her an unexpected email or text message. I love getting emails or texts from my husband during the day - a quick reminder that he is thinking of me, regardless of whether he's being romantic or telling me a funny story about his day.
• Make her coffee or do some other mundane task that she usually does for herself in the mornings - Emdee makes my coffee for me every night, and each morning I am so grateful for not having to muddle through the process before my first dose of caffeine. I am especially grateful for these small gestures when we are grumpy with one another, as it reminds me that even though we disagree we still love each other dearly.
• Come up with a code word for "I love you" that only the two of you (or the immediate family members) know. This sounds corny, but somehow we came up with a codeword and I love it...we leave notes for each other with our code word around the house. We hide them for each other when one of us is going out of town.
• Always kiss goodbye

What suggestions do you have for my friend? Do you think a big anniversary celebration will rekindle the romance my friend is missing, or would smaller more routine gestures do the trick?

Thanks for your suggestions,

The Problem Solvin' Mom